


Two Kinds of Looks

by destinysbastard



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2 kinds of looks, AU, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Castiel in Panties, Dean Feels, Dean finds love, Dean in Denial, Destiel Fluff, Fluff, Hand Job, Human Castiel, Love, M/M, Normal Life, Office, Panties Kink, Penetration, Public Sex, Rimming, Semi-Public Sex, Sex, Smut, Work, also they will get some, but mostly just fluff, cas in panties, destiel smut, discovering feelings, sex in public, tiny bit of angst in later chapters, two kinds of looks, work relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-08 17:16:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7766479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destinysbastard/pseuds/destinysbastard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are two kinds of looks Dean Winchester gives Cas, his new co-worker - one less expected than the other. Both denied at first. (Because Dean has too much pride and messed up ideas about relationships.)</p><p>or</p><p>Lots and lots of fluff, action and angst, peppered with some sarcasm by Charlie Bradbury, resulting in a happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Simple as That

**Author's Note:**

> Hello AO3  
> I've loved this website for quite a while, and I feel like it's time I add something to it. I haven't written any fanfiction in a long time. It used to be Nemi (Nick/Demi) and today I also found an old Sterek Fanfic on wattpad. But at the moment I am mostly into Supernatural and I pretty much ship Dean with everyone (or every male person lol) and I had ideas.  
> So here we go. I hope you will enjoy this and give me some feedback and yeah... HAVE A NICE DAY.
> 
> Note: There's lots of building up but don't fret, from chapter 5 on it gets exciting :P

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean meets Cas. Cas meets Dean. Charlie laughs.

Dean could not figure out what it was about that new guy that mesmerized him so. He had brown hair, a cute smile, walked around in a trenchcoat (which looked surprisingly good), and he was attractive, but not more than average. And yet Dean couldn't stop himself from wondering what those lips would feel like on his mouth... or somewhere else.

"I'm pretty sure you were supposed to print something, not stand around, eye-fucking the new guy, Dean." he suddenly heard Charlie, his assistant, say, and he snapped out of it. "What? I'm not 'eye-fucking' him." He frowned at her a bit, and as usual she just grinned back at him. She was probably the only person in the office he couldn't scare. (And the new guy, as he'd later find out, but that was for other reasons.) "And besides, the printer is not working," he added in a pretty bad attempt at self-defense. Charlie rolled her eyes at him and teased, "Well, I'm sure Cas could help you out, he's in tech, you know."

Cas. That was his name. Instead of replying to Charlie's remark, Dean was now drifting off again, this time rolling around Cas' name in his mouth. "Nevermind, I'll take care of it," Charlie said when she noticed Dean was somewhere else again in his thoughts. Cas... Dean decided he liked the sound of that, and then wondered what it would feel like to cry out that name during sex. Subconsciously he had been staring at Cas again, and suddenly the man, sitting at his desk about ten metres away, looked up at him and met his gaze. Dean looked away immediately and felt a bit of a blush spread over his cheeks.

In that moment he shook his head and realized he had to get a grip on himself. Maybe Charlie was right; that might have been going in the direction of eye-fucking. But of course he would not let her have that sweet victory of being right.  
-  
Yes, Dean was trying to get himself together. But it wasn't working all that well. He found himself daydreaming a bit too often, and once or twice he had walked past Cas' desk, with the intention to talk to him, introduce himself, flirt a bit. But everytime he had just walked right past him, and he didn't know why. Somehow there was a knot in his stomach that would not let his feet stop or his mouth open.

So, in the afternoon, he was just sitting at his desk again, trying to come up with a way to talk to him. And then he had an idea. It was rather ridiculous, but he blamed Charlie for it, because she had talked about Cas fixing printers. So he went to the printer and, after making sure no one was looking in his direction, he pulled a cable from the back of the printer. He stood around a while, pushing some buttons and trying to look annoyed. A few light curses and finally Cas looked up. Dean smiled at him with an apologetic look on his face, and Cas got up and came to help.

"Having troubles with the printer?" he asked. Dean simply replied with a muffled "yeah." Cas checked the printer, his hands sliding over the machine and Dean couldn't stop staring. Until, well, he had to. Cause Cas had found the unplugged cable and put it back in. "It was only a cable, simple as that. Now it should work." Dean tried to swallow the knot in his throat and nodded. Cas pressed a few buttons, and the printer started spitting out Dean's documents.

"Thanks," Dean said. "No problem. By the way, I don't think we've officially met. I'm Cas." He held out his hand with this cute smile on his face and Dean took it. Cas looked at him, and then Dean realized what he was expecting. "Uh, Dean," he introduced himself. "Nice to meet you, Dean," Cas said, smiling at him. And then he was gone. Dean felt like a stupid teenage girl, standing there surely for another two minutes, thinking of all the things he should have said. But this was better than nothing, right? At least that's what he tried to convince himself of.


	2. Butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is awkward and discovers feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this Dean is so not Dean, but I love it. I really like exploring the possibilities that would open up if Dean let someone in and allowed himself to feel something romantic for once. Ok enjoy bye

The next two days looked something like this: Dean was daydreaming, Charlie mocked him; Cas walked by and said hi, Dean did something awkward and felt stupid for the rest of the day.

Until Thursday. Charlie brought Dean his coffee, as usual, and Dean settled into his chair, determined to be less awkward today. And focus on work. Maybe. All morning that worked out fine. He was done with a meeting earlier than expected and so he ate his lunch a bit earlier than everyone else, because he preferred not having all those people around in the lunch room anyway.

When he got back to his desk, Cas came along. "Wanna grab some lunch together?" And Dean felt incredibly stupid in that moment. "Uh... I actually just ate," he stammered. "Oh, too bad. How about dinner, then?" Dean just stared at him for a moment. He had not expected Cas to be so direct and confident (not even to mention he had not been sure if he was interested). "Yes, sure," Dean replied and Cas smiled. "You're done at 6 too, right? There's this great Chinese place just around the corner. Sound good?" And Dean was thrilled. He loved Chinese. "Yes, sounds great."

The rest of the afternoon he spent in a state of excitement and happiness, as well as ridiculous nervosity. Of course Charlie caught onto that. "What's up with you today? I mean other than the usual." Dean looked at her in a haha-fuck-you-way and simply said, "Nothing's up." But she kept looking at him. He could feel her stare drilling into him and eventually he couldn't take it anymore. "I'm having dinner with Cas today, alright? Are you happy now?" And with that huge smile spreading over her face her answer would not have been necessary. She then asked him a thousand questions and he just told her he had to work. Even if he couldn't. Her excitement and her questions were not helping with his nervosity, on the contrary; and he spent the last hour until the date very distracted again.  
-  
At 06:05 (no, Dean had not been staring at the clock for the past hour, willing it to go faster) Cas walked up to his desk. "Are you ready?" he asked. Dean shut down his computer and got up nervously, putting on his jacket with a bit more effort than usually. He said bye to Charlie, ignoring her grin, and then they got into the elevator.

At first there was this awkward silence looming over them, though maybe Dean, thinking he should say something, was more uncomfortable with it than Cas. "So you've had a good day?" Cas asked after they had left the building. "Yeah... I guess. What about you?" Cas shrugged. "The usual." Cas talked a bit, and Dean missed most of it; he was nervous and the fact the he had missed what Cas had said made him only more nervous. But then they got to the restaurant and from thereon it only got better. The food helped because it made Dean feel less like he should be talking. And now he also had something to talk about. Cas asked him about his dish and if he could try some and then took some of his noodles, and Dean was struck with how comfortable Cas seemed, and also by how pretty his eyes were.

He felt himself becoming more and more at ease, making jokes and feeling a bit of pride when Cas laughed at them. After dinner they walked back to the building in which they worked because Dean had his car parked outside. "That's my baby," Dean said and Cas smiled at that. "So uh, you need a ride home?" That's how they ended up in Dean's car.

It was all good until they reached Cas' street and Dean didn't know what to do. Should he kiss him? Should he like open the door for him or something? Dean had not been on a date in like... ever. Not to mention the whole guy thing. But his worries were thrown out the window when Cas leaned in and softly kissed him. With that cute smile of his he then said, "I had fun tonight. Thanks for the ride."

Dean didn't really reply until Cas was outside of the car, about to shut the door. "Me too," he said. "See you tomorrow," Cas said and then Dean was sitting there alone. He watched Cas go home, and then he just sat there for a moment. What the hell was that feeling in his stomach? It really did feel like butterflies.


	3. That's all for now

Friday morning was strange. Dean could not remember ever having had such an innocent date (he didn't ever really go on dates, and if he did they ended in a lot more than a peck on the lips). It felt weird, but nice.

As he got into the shower he thought about Cas. He realized there was still this fluttering in his stomach when he thought about him, but he was feeling a bit more comfortable now. Maybe even satisfied. Which was weird since they had not done anything other than talk the evening before. Maybe it was a different kind of satisfaction? This warm feeling in his stomach, the slight smile that snuck on his face when he thought of Cas, the knowledge that he was interested in him and that the date had gone unexpectedly well. What the hell was that? He didn't know. But he didn't have much more time to wonder when he realized how late it was after his shower. Cursing under his breath, he got dressed (which took a bit too much time, as he was maybe thinking about looking good for cas just a tiny little bit) and hurried out of his flat.  
-  
"You're late," Charlie said, pressing Dean's coffee into his hand. "I know, thank you," he replied sarcastically. "You've got a meeting at 9, and then you gotta check these contracts," the redhead informed him as she set down a pile of documents on his desk. Great, Dean thought, here's to last minute preparations and improvised meetings. He quickly sorted out his notes, soon had the meeting, and then started checking those contracts.

He only realized how little he'd been thinking about Cas, being buried in all that work, when Charlie rolled up next to Dean on her office chair. She had that typical smirk on her lips, and that questioning look in her eyes.

"So?" Dean stared at the paper in his hands. "So what?" She rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. How was your date?" she asked, saying the word "date" in a weird, suggestive way. "Oh, that. It was good." He tried to keep reading through the contract, but couldn't focus with Charlie's stare next to him. "Seriously? That's all?" She said. He sighed. "It was good, we ate Chinese, I drove him home and we kissed."

Obviously that's what she'd wanted to hear, cause she started squealing (that's the only way Dean could describe those sounds she was making) and squeezing Dean's arm, which he had not noticed she was holding until then. "Ouch!" he said, pulling away his arm. "Sorry, sorry," she apologized, still grinning at him like an idiot. "Okay, can I go back to work now?" he asked, looking away in an annoyed manner. "Yes, of course." Dean thought he saw her rolling her eyes one more time before she rolled back to her desk.

He soon learned those contracts were due 1:30 pm, which was way too soon. So when Cas showed up and asked about lunch again, Dean had to decline. "I really have to finish this." Cas simply said, "Raincheck?" and Dean agreed. Afterwards he was a bit disappointed though that this time Cas had not asked about dinner instead. Then again, maybe he had something else going on. He probably didn't spend all of his free time (and parts of his work) thinking about Dean... Like Dean did about Cas.

He was a bit down for the rest of the afternoon, especially after those contracts were handed in and he was less busy again. Something made up for it though: at the end of his shift there were only a few people left and it so happened that Cas was leaving at the same time as Dean. They got into the elevator and then Cas moved a bit closer and kissed Dean. This time the kiss was longer and Cas felt closer, with his hand on the small of Dean's back. Dean could feel the other man's tongue licking into his mouth just a little bit. Dean kissed him back, breathed in Cas' warm scent and then the elevator made a bling sound and opened up. A second after that Cas pulled away and smiled. "Have a nice weekend," he half-whispered and walked away.

Dean stood there for a moment, and very soon he felt stupid again about not saying anything and just standing there as if he had never been kissed before. He went home, his cheeks feeling warm. Suddenly this Friday evening and the weekend seemed way too long, too empty. At least Sam was coming over on Sunday. He hadn't seen his brother in quite a while. They'd watch a game together, drink some beer and he would get distracted from his usual distraction for a bit.

Dean opened the door to his apartment and sighed. After such a stressful week a relaxing shower was exactly what he needed. After getting undressed, he got in and let the hot water pour on his shoulders. He just couldn't get Cas and that kiss out of his mind. He had gotten a taste of something so good, and now he needed more. Much more. He ran his hands down his stomach and then started working on his half-hard dick. The thought of Cas' tongue in his mouth was all he had for now, but, supplemented with a little bit of imagination, it was enough. After his shower, he had some leftover pizza and then sank into bed, with Cas still on his mind.


	4. Dean Winchester does not have crushes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, there will soon be lots of... well, EVERYTHING. Sex, Fluff and Angst. From chapter 5 on it gets more exciting. c: I feel like posting everything right now (I'm writing chapter 8 atm) but I'll post the whole story over the course of a few days. I hope you're enjoying this, and I am always grateful for corrections if I made any mistakes (have no betareader).  
> HAVE A NICE DAY AND SOME NICE DESTIEL

Saturday felt empty. Dean did his laundry, watched some TV, eventually started cooking (which he didn't do often), just to be doing something.

On Sunday he was really glad to see Sam, hoping it would make him feel a bit less lost. At 2pm Dean opened the door and his tall brother fell into his arms. "Hey, Sammy," he said. They went in, and soon they were sitting on the couch, each with a beer and a bowl of chips on the table in front of them. They watched the game - it was not a big one, but Dean felt happy to have his brother around and to get his mind off things.

"So how are you doing?" Sammy eventually asked. "Fine. Work is the usual," Dean replied, his eyes fixed on the screen. "And other than that? Are you eating something other than burgers and pie? Are you seeing someone?" Of course it would come up. Dean cleared his throat and just said, "No." Then he took a sip of his beer. "Okay." Sam left it at that and Dean was glad about that. But now he was thinking about it nevertheless. Sam had asked with such ease, and taken his answer like that, but what if he would really care? After all, that question had followed right after the diet question. Should Dean tell him about Cas? How would he react? Would he mind that Dean was seeing a guy? And then another question came into Dean's mind: _Was_ he seeing someone? He had no idea what that whole thing with Cas was. They had been on one date, kissed twice. The only thing he knew is that he couldn't stop thinking about him. He decided it would be better not to tell Sam, himself not knowing what exactly it was and what he wanted it to be.

  -

The week started right where it had left off: busy. The short glimpses and smiles of Cas in between meetings and printing made the whole day much more endurable though. They (finally) had lunch together on Tuesday and dinner on Wednesday.

On Thursday Charlie started mocking him - more than usual. "How's it going with Cas? You now boyfriends?" Dean got weirdly defensive at that. "Calm down," Charlie said, surprised at his reaction. "I was just kidding. But I mean I see the way you smile for 20 minutes after you see him, it's pretty obvious." Dean rolled his eyes at that. Charlie rolled away on her chair, mocking him in a sing-songy voice, "Dean Winchester's got a cruuu-hush!" "No, I _don't_ ," he hissed at her, all annoyed. "Whatever you say, boss," Charlie teased and then went back to work.

Dean didn't have a crush. He was a grown man and he didn't have crushes nor did he do any of that stupid relationship stuff. Then again... they were going on dates and had not gone further than kissing and touching over their clothes - and that after one whole week of seeing each other. Dean had never waited this long before he had sex. Usually it was about... well, one evening. Were they dating? Were they really becoming boyfriends? That was not what Dean did. Dean did sex. Uncomplicated pleasure that did not involve too many feelings. That's what he did, what he wanted - that's what he was good at.

Suddenly he was starting to worry. Was Cas _taming_ him? He did feel quite awkward around him, like his confidence had jumped out of the window, and even Charlie had gone from "eye-fucking" to a "crush" in her description of Dean's sentiments towards Cas. Thinking about it, this was really weird.

Right then Cas walked past him and shot him an adorable smile - adorable? What was he thinking? Dean hated getting all flustered and girly, submissive. This was not him. Or at least he didn't want himself to be that. He smiled back, then focused on his computer again and banned all those thoughts from his mind as much as he could.

  -

Friday was really just meeting after meeting. Which meant he didn't see Cas that often and didn't have to feel guilty about avoiding him ('cause he wasn't technically avoiding him, right?). In the evening Cas hurried after Dean into the elevator. "Hey," he said. "Hey." Cas looked at him. "Feel like I haven't seen you around as much." Dean simply replied, "Yeah, busy day." Cas nodded. Soon the elevator reached the ground floor and Dean got out, Cas following him.

Dean went to his car and Cas just stood there. "Are you okay?" he asked Dean. "Yeah, just tired," he answered. He opened his car and Cas was still standing there as he got in. "So... See ya," is all Dean could come up with. Cas looked equally surprised and disappointed. "Yes... see you." And then he walked off. Dean sat there for a second, surprised by a stinging feeling in his heart. Then he shut the door and drove off into the dark.


	5. That's more like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hev some gay seeex. ok i should stop making these terribly annoying notes. Also Domi (best friend of mine), if you are reading this: I hope you won't disown me. also ENJOY

Lying in bed on Friday night, he felt exhausted but could not fall asleep.

There was this picture of Cas stuck in his mind. How disappointed he had looked. Thinking back now, maybe even hurt. On his way home he could feel guilt seeping into his heart, heavy and unexpected. It's not like Dean owed him anything. Cas was the one who had started this whole date-thing, who had expected Dean to be like this, whatever this was. And now _Dean_ felt guilty. That's exactly why Dean didn't do relationships, didn't do feelings.

He should have just taken Cas to a room in the office and fucked him right there - simple, uncomplicated. He'd have fucked all that wit and ridiculous charm right out of that idiot. But no, of course Dean had to get all flustered and weird, for whatever reason (no, he did not have a crush).

Great, now he had a picture of fucking Cas in some backroom in his mind. At least jerking off would empty his mind a bit. Eventually he fell asleep, deeply lost in his confusing thoughts.  
-  
It was 12:09 when Dean got up, feeling weary. He had some coffee, and then some leftovers from last night's dinner. At 2pm he got a text from Cas, asking if their date that evening was still on. Dean didn't know what to reply.

He watched TV but couldn't focus and felt a headache coming on, so he decided to take his baby for a spin. He drove off, through town and then a bit into the outskirts, the wind blowing through his car, making breathing easier again. Driving always helped him relax and sort his thoughts out. That's what he needed now: a bit of order in his thoughts.

The truth was, he couldn't get Cas off his mind. He hated that stupid feeling of guilt, and he hated how he was acting, but even if he wanted to leave this behind and get back to his old self, he couldn't. Cas would always be luring in his mind. So the only logical solution was to prove to himself (and to Charlie) that he was still the same guy, that this was not some stupid crush, and he'd show Cas what he really was made of. Finally he texted back: I'll pick you up at 7.  
-  
He got home in the evening, showered and got dressed. Then he drove over to Cas. He was a bit early and so he just sat in his car, waiting for and at the same time scared of the clock turning to 7:00pm.

Then suddenly he noticed the door of the building opening and Cas stepped outside and walked to his car, then opened the door and got in next to Dean. "Hey," he said with a shy smile. Dean looked at him for a moment, kind of overthrown with how pretty he was; then he just leaned in, grabbed Cas by the neck and kissed him hard. He had caught Cas by surprise. Then Cas kissed him back, giving into his hold. Their tongues were exploring each other's mouths and Dean felt Cas' hands on his back. Then he broke the embrace and pulled away.

"So, where are we going to eat?" He grabbed the steering wheel and stared straight ahead, while Cas was kind of startled and confused. Now _that_ was more like it.  
-  
Dinner was different. Cas gave him curious looks every now and then and Dean couldn't help but smirk at that. For once Cas was the one caught off guard, all flustered.

Dean felt normal again, like things were right again. But dinner was a bit more quiet and awkward than usual and somehow that made him feel a bit sad. He ignored that though and enjoyed his burger, making more small talk than ever, eyeing Cas carefully.

He paid the bill (whereas usually it had been Cas, or they'd split it) and then they went to his car. Dean held Cas the door open and Cas climbed in. Then Dean settled into his seat and started driving, without a word. He could feel Cas looking at him almost all the way to Cas' place, where Dean stopped the engine. They shot each other a glance, then Dean got out of the car and before he could open the door for Cas, he'd gotten out too. Dean moved closer and took advantage of the moment again. They were just leaning against the car, kissing passionately and when their lips parted, Cas asked awkwardly, "So, uh, do you want to... come in?" and Dean just smirked and kissed him once more.

They went inside, took the elevator for 2 levels (and Dean had thought about kissing him again, but he wanted to take him by surprise, so he waited) and then they walked to Cas' flat. He got out his key, opened up and went inside and before he could even turn on the lights, Dean had him pushed up against the wall, his lips all over him.

It was happening so fast: Dean kissed his neck, his hands already under Cas' shirt, then he moved downwards and had soon opened up Cas' belt. And then all Cas could feel was Dean's mouth around his cock. His tongue and those little licks and he could only imagine that beautiful view, as he had closed his eyes, completely lost in bliss. It felt so good, but ended way too soon, because Dean pulled away again - he was such a fucking tease - to kiss him on the lips fleetingly and then grabbed him by his arm and started walking.

Cas realized he'd never been at his place and so he had to lead the way to his bedroom, where, again in a matter of seconds, he was thrown onto the bed, Dean on top of him, kissing and touching and Cas just couldn't get enough. It had been too long since he'd been touched like this and, lost in those thoughts, it took him a moment to realize that Dean was rummaging in the drawer next to his bed. "Second one," he said, only to notice how out of breath he was. Finally Dean found what he'd been looking for, and by the time he had put on a condom, Cas had come to himself a bit more again.

Dean was moving closer, when Cas held out his hand to Dean's chest and asked, "Are you sure?" Dean was a bit taken aback for a moment - no one had ever asked him that before (neither had he asked anyone before). Then he moved in close and whispered, "Absolutely sure." And then he pushed a finger into Cas' hole, adding lube, soon another finger, getting him ready.

"You're so beautiful like this," Dean muttered in a raspy voice. And then he pushed into him. He found a steady rhythm, provoking an anticipated moan from Cas, which soon turned into cries as he started pounding into him harder and harder. Their bodies were close, hot and sweaty and every push sent shivers through Cas' spine. It didn't take long and he couldn't hold it anymore, coming all over them, while digging his nails into Dean's back.

Seeing that pushed Dean over the edge too and he came with a cry, collapsing onto Cas. They just lay there, breathing heavily, their bodies close. Then Dean picked up his shirt from the ground and wiped off both their stomachs that were now sticky, both from sweat and cum. Cas nezzled up against Dean's side, all warm and tired, and Dean felt surprisingly comfortable with the cuddling.

He had an arm around Cas and felt the slight tickling of his hair on his shoulder, strangely enjoying all those little sensations of closeness. They both dozed off eventually - which Dean had not intended to do. But he woke up an hour later or so, and had to be careful not to wake up Cas while he was trying to slip away from his arms. He looked at Cas and felt quite touched at the view of Cas asleep, all hot and exhausted after sex. Then he got himself together and after throwing on his shirt and Jeans, he snuck out of the bedroom and then the flat.


	6. Will you stay?

Monday morning Dean strutted into the office with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. Charlie got him his coffee and soon noticed something was different about him.

"What's up with you?" she asked and Dean simply smirked at the question, while starting up his computer, then raised his eyebrows with a suggestive look on his face. "You mean... you got some?" Charlie asked. "You could say that. You could also say I fucked his brains out." At that, Charlie held up her hands, "Oh god. No details, please!" He laughed and she went back to her desk, obviously not wanting to talk about it any further.

If only Dean had known all it took to get Charlie off his back was a few dirty words, his life had been a lot easier. Well, it's never too late.

He started working. Reading through documents, printing stuff. As he was waiting by the printer, he caught Cas looking at him. He smiled in self-satisfaction. They had flirted through the room a bit but that was it, and Dean was glad to be back to his old self - not constantly distracted; back at his game, in control.

Already on Sunday he had woken up with a feeling that he had regained his masculinity and his confidence and that's exactly what he had wanted. It was all good. Except for that tiny part of him that kept thinking about Cas waking up in his bed, all alone. But he had successfully pushed that thought out of his mind so far, and had spent a calm Sunday afternoon. Cas had texted at some point, asking if he was free and Dean had made up some excuse.

So the next time they really saw each other was on Monday after work, in the elevator. Cas asked him about dinner and they went to an Italian restaurant nearby. It was rather fancy (especially compared to that Chinese place they'd gone to on their first date) and the portions were a bit small. But the bathroom was very pretty, and Dean was even more thrilled about his plan because the restaurant was so posh.

After paying they both went to the bathroom, but not only to wash their hands (as Cas had probably expected). Instead Cas found himself pushed into one of the stalls, Dean mercilessly using his surprise against him.

"Wha- Dean," Cas breathed. There had been nobody in the bathroom when they'd come in, but someone could walk in anytime.

Dean had made his way to Cas' belt already, now kneeling in front of him. "God, Dean," he moaned, only to then add, "not here!" But Dean kept right going, until he had his mouth wrapped around Cas' hard dick, licking and sucking without remorse. Cas' couldn't help but moan and as they both heard the door to the bathroom opening, Dean pressed his hand on Cas' mouth (not that Dean minded anyone hearing them, he probably really didn't care, but having to be quiet made it only more exciting).

Cas' tried to hold back his moans but a few choked sounds made their way out anyway, his hot breath against Dean's hand. After hearing the bathroom door again (maybe also several times; the only thing they could hear in that moment was their hard breathing and those chocked sounds Cas was making), they weren't sure if there was anyone still in the bathroom, but it didn't matter. A few licks on Cas' balls and Dean had Cas falling apart in his hands, exploding into his mouth. Dean swallowed, added a few last licks like finishing a work of art and then got up.

Cas needed a moment to collect himself, his breathing still heavy and his pants still unzipped. He zipped them up and they both left the bathroom, finding a guy who was about to wash his hands staring at them in horror. Dean had to laugh at that a bit and Cas just looked terribly embarassed.

The guy left quickly and they washed their hands in silence, Dean really enjoying the view in the mirror of Cas all red and his hair all messy. The cool evening air felt good after all that exercise as they walked to the car.

When they reached Cas' street, Cas asked him to come in but Dean said something about wanting to go to the gym in the morning and drove home. Cas was not sure what to make of that and felt a bit disappointed, but, still exhausted from the amazing orgasm he'd had, he fell asleep fast.

  
  -

  
Tuesday was not that different regarding work - Charlie left Dean in peace more or less and he only saw Cas a few times.

As Dean was turning off his computer and made his way to the elevator he saw Cas waiting for him. "Hey," he said with a smile. A really adorable smile. "Hey." They got into the elevator. "Uhm, I was thinking... Would you wanna come over later?" Cas asked.

Dean didn't know what exactly Cas meant by "coming over" but he did like the idea, especially after having had to take care of himself after getting home the night before (at least he had plenty of vivid pictures in his mind that made the affair rather easy). "Yeah, sure." They agreed on 7:30, that would be enough time for Dean to shower and put on some fresh clothes. Not that it mattered that much, 'cause they'd be off rather soon again anyway.

But what he saw when he walked into Cas' flat was not really what he'd expected. The small table in the kitchen was set; there was lasagna and red wine ready. Cas took his jacket (as the last time Dean had just thrown it onto the floor somewhere on the way to the bedroom), and told him to sit. The food was amazing and Dean wondered how much time it had taken Cas to prepare it. The wine was good too (even if he was less of a wine person), just enough to get a bit more comfortable.

After dinner Cas took the dishes to the sink and Dean started looking around the flat a bit. It was really nicely decorated, with a sofa by a big window and a shelf full of books and vinyl records. "Wanna play something?" Cas asked. He found a few classic rock ones, even a few of his favorite artists, but in the end he decided to just play the one that was still on the record player. After a few seconds music filled the room, and soon Elvis Presley's voice followed.

Cas was still doing the dishes and now started swaying his hips with the music in small movements. Dean had to smile at that. He leaned against the wall, for a moment wondering if he should have offered Cas to help with the dishes. But soon he was completely lost in that scene: Music floating through the apartment, food settling in his stomach and Cas so close. He didn't even notice Cas had finished cleaning until he was standing right in front of him, and then took his hand and started kissing him, slowly. Cas' lips somehow tasted sweet, and they were incredibly soft.

They had never kissed this slowly, passionately, deeply. Dean almost forgot to breathe and when he had to come up for air he mourned the loss of contact between their lips.

He hadn't even been aware how close they were, their bodies pressed against each other, this time Dean pushed against the wall. Cas slowly broke the embrace and then took Dean by his hand, leading him to the bedroom.

Dean was kind of out of it, like he had never been during sex. He was always a 100% aware of every movement he was making. But not this time, not with Cas. Dean had sat down on the bed, Cas standing in front of him, his lashes and his eyes so beautiful in that half-light (the door was still open and there was a bit of light streaming in from the kitchen). For a moment they stayed just like that, looking at each other. Cas words pulled Dean out of his thoughts. "I... I wanted to show you something. But you have to promise you won't laugh." Dean did not know what to expect. He just looked at him and then realized that's where he was supposed to answer. "I won't," he said.

After a moment Cas started taking off his shirt and then he unzipped his pants, revealing pink fabric. Having taken off his pants completely, Cas was now standing in front of Dean only in panties.

When Dean just stared and didn't really say anything, Cas started to worry and crossed his arms in front of his body, as if to protect himself from Dean's stare. At that, Dean looked up. He reached out, took Cas' hands into his and pulled him on top of himself. Cas was a bit tense, until Dean kissed him and whispered into his ear, "I love it."

They kissed for what seemed like forever, making Dean want to pick up the pace. He had never had such long foreplay and it made him slightly uncomfortable. He started fingering those panties, and soon rolled over so he was now above Cas. This time he knew where the lube would be and it didn't take him long until Cas was all ready and almost falling apart before Dean had even pushed into him.

Yet it took a while until they both came, Cas biting onto his lip hard and making such beautiful sounds, Dean spilling into Cas, filling him. After that, Dean was still on top of Cas, still inside him and they were simply breathing against each others mouths. Then Dean pulled out slowly, making Cas wince and lay down next to him.

He hadn't had such a great orgasm in a long time, he realized as he noticed how out of breath he still was. Cas cuddled up close to him, and Dean wrapped his arms around him rather automatically.

Somehow he felt wide awake in his mind, felt thoughts coming on. But when Cas asked, "Will you stay the night?" Dean was already half asleep and all he managed to put forth before he slipped away completely was a low hum.


	7. Heart Pounding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, fuck.  
> 

Blinding light falling through pastel curtains. A warm but strange bed. Curled up in soft sheets, holding Cas in his arms - Dean felt disoriented as he woke up and it took him a while until he realized where he was.

Once he had gotten used to the light, he looked around and realized he had never seen the room in daylight before. On the wall opposite the bed hung a picture showing a small city by the ocean, painted in different shades of blue. Next to it there were shelves with even more books than in the kitchen (how many freaking books did Cas own?) and on the wall to the left of the bed there was a dresser made out of neat, light wood. Dean liked the arrangement, it was simple and cozy.

Soon enough Dean's eyes fell on the man next to him though. There was nothing as beautiful as him in the room. He looked so peaceful when he slept, his chest rising and falling in a slow, steady rhythm. Dean wanted to get closer, if that was even possible, but he did not want to wake him. It wouldn't have mattered though because in that moment an alarm went off, an annoying beeping sound that wouldn't stop.

Dean reached out over Cas and it took him a moment to turn the thing off but then the peaceful quiet settled over them again. Cas looked up at Dean through his long lashes and a small smile set on his lips. "Morning," Dean murmured in a raspy morning voice.

The morning started with a small makeout session, Cas awake very quickly and sitting on top of Dean. They kissed and licked and laughed in their morning lassitude until Dean wrapped it up - for one because he didn't wanna go to work with a boner and neither did they have time to take care of that now, and secondly because they had to get going.

He got up and got dressed, while Cas was still sitting on the bed, just watching him (and his glorious ass). Cas eventually got up too.

After a visit to the bathroom (seperately), they strolled to the kitchen, where Cas offered all kinds of foods to Dean. They ended up just having toast and coffee 'cause with all their kissing they were already running late. Dean liked the coffee Cas had made. It was a bit different than the one he usually had every morning (he couldn't quite figure out what was different) but he liked it. Somehow it tasted like Cas, and it was a taste he could get used to.  
  -  
They were only a few minutes late, Dean going in first and Cas following. Charlie gave him all the updates, as well as endless curious and excited looks. Of course she had to say something eventually. "So... you had a slumber party?" Dean just rolled his eyes. "Aw, you're getting all red," she squealed. "No, I'm not," he replied with an irritated voice and sighed. "Aw, It's okay. You're allowed to have feelings, Dean." - "I don't have- Charlie, I have more important things to do than talk about my supposed "crush". I'm not a teenage girl, and sorry to ruin your dream, but neither are you. Get back to work."

Charlie was annoyed at that but respected his command (sometimes his assistant actually did what she was told. Sometimes.) and went back to her desk.

He worked for about two hours and tried not to show that her comments had bothered him. He didn't know why exactly, but the way she talked about him just annoyed him, it didn't feel right. It didn't sound like Dean. He did start thinking about the morning again, and how comfortable and cozy he had felt next to Cas. He had never felt this okay about staying the night after sex. But thinking back now, it all seemed a bit... domestic. Too domestic. He was not a person who did sleepovers and breakfast and dinners. He did... well, you'll see.

In that moment Cas walked by and Dean seized the chance. He got up and walked with Cas to the printer, and flirted while Cas' documents were being printed. "I gotta show you something," Dean said, danger blinking in his eyes. Cas looked at him with a questioning look, but he followed Dean - or well, he didn't really have a choice because Dean held him tight around his wrist.

Dean pulled him into the janitorial room and closed the door behind them, then pushed Cas up against the wall, with a loud thump (that most of the office had probably heard). Dean's tongue was everywhere. It was almost like in the restaurant, only this time there were people on the other side of the door they not only knew, but saw on a daily basis. That could get awkward - at least that's what Cas thought, while Dean obviously had something to prove.

"Dean, what the hell," he said in a nervous voice, torn between reason and the incredible shivers Dean was sending through his body. "Relax," Dean replied inbetween kisses. "You need a break from work sometimes." Dean's hands had slipped into Cas' jeans, carressing his ass, his hips, every touch loaded with electricity.

Cas tried to appeal to reason, but with Dean all over him it was quickly decided that reason was not going to be a part of this.

In one swift, but rough movement Dean had turned Cas around and pushed him against the shelf, bent over in front of him. When his pants had come off was a mystery to Cas. This would not just be a blowjob then (Cas was not mentally prepared for this), even if Dean's tongue was playing a major role, exploring every inch between Cas' legs. He had not known how good it would feel to have his balls licked from behind, until a moan escaped his lips so sweet it made Dean shiver.

Without a lot of preperation (nothing like the night before), Dean thrusted in with an unexpected force that made Cas hold his breath, both in enjoyment and shock. Thrust after thrust, Dean close to Cas, panting right next to his ear, they cried silently in unison until they came, trying to suppress every sound they couldn't help, mostly failing though.

Cas saw stars as Dean filled him with seed and then pulled out rather quickly. Dean squeezed Cas' butt, ran his finger across his hole, whispering something about how raw it felt. Then he zipped up his pants, seemingly a lot less stunned by what they'd just done. Cas didn't know what a good actor Dean was. He walked out and Cas was left behind.

He buttoned up his pants, tried to calm down and stood there for a moment, not sure what to think. Of course it had been amazing, _Dean_ was amazing. But he had wondered already the first time what had changed, why he had suddenly rushed to this - not that he didn't like it. It was just new to him (in general his past relationships had been nothing like this) and had surprised him after the way Dean had acted around him at first. And when he just left in the middle of the night, almost like now, without a word - what did it mean? He sighed and opened the door.

  -

Dean sat down at his desk and already felt Charlie staring at him. "Did you just...?" she started asking. "Fuck? Yes," he said. "Oh, how romantic." Sarcastic as always. "Oh, shut up. We're just fucking, nothing more. I told you I don't have feelings."

He looked up at Charlie as she did not reply, and saw that she was looking right past him. He turned around and Cas was standing there, his face looking drained of all color and every smile. It looked worse than that night when Dean had just left him standing there, clueless about why Dean was suddenly this distant.

For a moment he just looked at him, not knowing what to say. He didn't have to say anything though, because after a few seconds, Cas was walking away.

"Are you sure about that?" Charlie asked, a small voice in the far. Dean just stared after him, mouth open, head empty, heart pounding.


	8. Stupid

He barely slept. He was up almost all night, thinking about Cas. Thinking about calling him, but why would he? It was not his fault Cas had had such high hopes, thinking it was something it wasn't. Getting all emotional... Deep down Dean knew Cas was not the only one guilty of those things.

Dean felt stupid. Stupid for what he had done, stupid for even having those feelings (even if he didn't want to admit that he did), stupid for caring so much. It's not like he wanted to. His heart had made that choice without his consent, at least that's how it felt. God, he sounded like a stupid, whiny girl.

He tossed and turned, and nothing he could do made those thoughts go away. And once he did sleep (for about two hours or so), he dreamt of Cas. Of Cas standing there, of Cas walking away, of losing Cas.

When he woke up, he was wishing he had not slept at all, for the thought of losing Cas was unbearable.

  
 -  
  


He was glad to have work to distract him, even if he was only partially successful with that. His thoughts kept returning and he was too tired to read.

Cas had not come to work and Dean started worrying, and for some reason Charlie could always sense it when Dean was tense (or more than usual). She had not talked about it all day, working in silence. But now she was standing there, even though she had already handed him the info for the meeting on Monday. After a while she asked, "Are you okay?" Dean was a bit surprised, because he had not expected that question. If he could expect anything, it was her telling him he fucked up. "Uh... I guess," was all he replied. "I meant to tell you that you really messed up, but I think you know that yourself." There it was. He didn't like hearing it, still denying, fighting his stupid feelings, but it would have been wrong if she hadn't said it. It was Charlie, after all.

After that they didn't talk much more. The day eventually passed and Dean went home, feeling completely worn out and empty. That night was just as bad as the last one and on Friday morning he would have thrown his alarm clock at the wall if he'd had the energy to do so.

He turned it off and turned around, and at least got one more hour of sleep.

After getting up, he had coffee, hoping it would help with his headache. It didn't. He opened the fridge but he had no appetite. He hated everything about his feelings and he hated it most to have to admit it: but he felt guilty. He felt guilty and something beyond that he just couldn't explain. Some kind of pain that stang in his heart every time he thought of Cas, standing there and looking at him like that.

He had never wanted to hurt him. He just didn't want himself to feel anything either. After a few hours of pitying himself, he got out his car keys and without even changing he left the apartment, wearing sweats and some dirty t-shirt.

He drove over to Cas' house, ran up the stairs and knocked at his door. But there was no answer. He knocked a few more times, repeating his name, sounding more pathetic everytime.

"Cas, please," he pleaded one more time, but all he heard was silence. He gave up. He got into his car. He started driving. He'd been on the road for hours, slowly making a turn to go back to the city, completely oblivious to time, until he felt his phone buzz in his jacket. It was cas. He kept driving until he found a suitable place for stopping the car for a moment and then he opened the text.

_Dean, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I should have know that's all I was to you. Please don't come back._

Dean stared at his phone for about 5 minutes, not really comprehending any of it. This didn't sound like Cas. It didn't sound like the guy who always smiled at him, who he'd waken up to, had dinners with, who he felt so comfortable with, like there was no pressure to be anything.

He felt tears coming, and he quickly wiped his eyes, threw the phone onto the floor of the car and started driving.

He'd just do what he always did when he hurt: drink.

-

So he drank. He drank everytime he saw those stupid blue eyes; he drank everytime he thought of Cas' face at the office, everytime he remembered the words "Please don't come back". Basically, he drank non-stop.

Eventually the alcohol started working, making him feel heavy and warm; but he was still blue. Only now he couldn't think as much, and that's why he did it.

Now that his mind gave him a break (as much as that was possible), he soon passed out on his bed.

One to two hours later he was woken up by a knock on the door. His heart jumped a bit as he thought _Cas?_ But he couldn't get up, everything felt heavy and tired and painful. He heard the sound of keys in the door, and then his brother's voice, shouting from afar, "Dean?" Soon after he heard steps approaching and then the light was turned on, making Dean wince and groan at the harsh brightness. "Oh, sorry," Sam said.

Somehow with the light, Dean was now even more aware of how much everything hurt, and now more than just his heart.

He did not know how much he had slept, but he was still shit-faced. "Dean, are you drunk?" Sammy asked, and Dean wanted to answer something sarcastic about how obvious it was, but he did not have it in him. So instead he just hummed, "M-hm." Sam looked at him with a disappointed look in his face and it made Dean hurt even more, though by now, he thought, he should be getting used to disappointing people.

He closed his eyes. Sam looked around, saw all of the bottles standing there and sighed. "I thought you had this under control," he said. "Yeah, I do." Sam looked at him intently. "Then what's this?" he asked. "Nothin'... I only do it when I hurt." At that Sam's face softened, and Dean couldn't quite read the expression. Was it pity? It didn't feel as good as he might have thought it would. Disappointment? Sadness? Maybe he just really cared.

"What's going on?" Sammy asked, sitting down on the bed next to Dean. Dean didn't reply, he just closed his eyes, willing away the demons. Sam sighed again. "Have you eaten?" Dean shook his head. "Had no appetite since yesterday," he slurred. "Oh god, Dean," was all Sam said and then after a few moments a glass of water appeared before Dean's face.

It took him a lot of effort to get up and hold the glass without spilling it all over himself, but eventually he made it. Sam watched him until he had emptied the glass and then he went to make him some food. Dean eventually followed him to the kitchen, and, not being able to hold himself up very well, he sat on the sofa.

It didn't take long until he had a bowl of noodle soup in front of him. He started eating it at a pretty slow speed, very focused to hold it up and Sam was just sitting across from him, ready to help if holding the bowl was too much.

After eating about a third of the soup, Dean started talking. "Sammy, I lied to you," he said. Sam raised his eyebrows. "About what?" he asked. "I been seein' someone," he said, finally surrendering to those words. Sammy smiled a bit, and then said, "Eat up first, okay?" So Dean got back to eating and the warm soup made him feel a bit better.

When he had finished he put the bowl on the coffee table in front of him. He was too tired to hold himself up and so he just let himself sink onto the couch. He breathed in deeply, and then said in a shaky voice, "I really messed up, Sammy."

"What did you do?" Sam was looking at him, still that softness in the creases of his face.

"Okay, so... There's this... guy," he said, watching Sam's expression, expecting some kind of reaction, but nothing really happened. "And?" he simply asked. "I been doin' stuff with a guy. Do you not... mind?" Sam chuckled at that. "As long as I don't have to listen to details, I don't." When he noticed that Dean was really seriously worried, he said, "Of course I don't mind. Dean, you're my brother. I don't care who you like, as long as you're happy. And also I did start to notice that you sometimes looked at guys in... that way."

Dean would have laughed at that some other time, but in that moment all he could think of was the words Sam had used. _Like._ That sounded like a teenage relationship with crushes and holding hands and... did adults do that too? Have those kind of feelings, be so stupid because of one random person? Then again, it was _Cas._

"Dean?" Sam said, as if Dean had been quiet for a bit too long. "Thanks, Sammy." Sam just smiled. "So, tell me."

He told him everything. How he met Cas, how stupidly he had behaved, how awkward he'd been and how Charlie's remarks made him realize how weird this was. How different. And then everything that had happened when he was trying to reconquer his manhood.

Sam listened, took his brother serious, but he couldn't help grinning at the whole thing. Dean had never really been good with feelings. Or well, he didn't even ever allow them in. It was no miracle something like this would happen.

But Dean was seriously upset and from how it sounded, he really had messed up. "I just- I don't know what to do," Dean said, "I really don't want to lose him." His voice was shaky; Sam had rarely ever heard it this way.

"You know, maybe... you could tell him that. Everything you told me. How you feel, why you did what you did."

It sounded too simple to be the solution, but maybe Sam was right. Soon after that Dean fell asleep on the couch.

Sam covered him with another blanket as it was chilly in the living room and then he went to sleep in the guest room.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To you, Lochinvar. I hope you enjoyed this (or something) and I will talk to you tomorrow... when the end is near.


	9. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me when I finished writing this chapter: NO I THINK I JUST FINISHED THIS STORY AND I AM SO SAD okay there will be an epilogue I promise  
> So this is not quite the end yet. But almost. (Always happy for corrections, as I don't have a betareader.)

When Dean woke up, at first everything was blurred. As his vision came back he noticed a post-it on the table in front of him. Getting up required a lot of effort, and his head immediately started hurting. He reached out for the note and somehow managed to read it:

_Went to the market, will be back in the afternoon._

_\- Sam_

Right, Sam had been here. Dean couldn't really recall everything from the night before, but he remembered most of his talk with Sam. Especially the solution Sam had suggested which meant telling Cas about his feelings, and that scared him already now. He had coffee, a little bit of bread (even though he really had no appetite... on the contrary, his stomach was acting up) and at first he thought he'd wait for Sam to come back. But then he just couldn't wait anymore. For anything.

He grabbed his car keys and went outside. Only when he was on the road already, he noticed how dirty his clothes were and that he probably smelled like alcohol, but now it was too late. He had to get this weight off his heart. Once he had parked the car, he sat there for a moment, trying to tame his breathing and kind of trying to think of something to say. What the hell was he supposed to tell him? _Tell him exactly that, what you feel._ Sam had said, but Dean wasn't even sure what to make of this mess in his head, so how the hell should he explain any of it to Cas? But maybe that's exactly what he felt: Confusion, all those weird feelings mixed up, making him want to puke. Maybe he had to tell him that: _I don't understand my feelings either_. He didn't know, but he had to do something. So he finally got up and started walking in the direction of the building.

-

"Cas?" he said, knocking on the door. Of course there was no reaction this time either. It's not like Dean had expected him to open up, but his heart sank at the silence anyway. "Cas, are you there? I know you told me not to come back but I just... I don't know. I gotta try." He sighed and tried to swallow that huge knot in his throat. "I don't know what to tell you. I messed up. I _am_ messed up. I- I can't stop thinking about you and I just-" He sighed again, annoyed at his aimless babbling. What the hell was he trying to say? Where was this going, how would Cas get anything? Dean was just no good with words. Then he thought: if that's what he felt, that's what he was supposed to say. "I'm no good with words, Cas. Especially when it comes to talking about my feelings. Feelings are not... not my thing, you could say."

He turned around, walked a few steps in a circle in front of the door. He hated himself so much in that moment, for making this huge mess and now not even being able to clean it up. He thought of everything again, of the way Cas had looked at him, of everything he had ruined with this one stupid sentence, of the text Cas had sent him. _I should've known that's what I was to you. Please don't come back._ Dean almost felt himself tear up at that. Almost. He went back to the door, and leaning against it, he started talking again, this time in a quieter voice, "Cas. I know I hurt you. What I said was... fucking stupid. I know you think that's all you are to me, because it's what I've been trying to convince myself of, because that's all I've ever known. But I think you might have started to believe it... more than me. God, I don't know. I've never felt this way about anyone. All I've ever done is one night stands and casual sex, it just always seemed easier to me because... you see what happens when you have feelings. You get hurt. Maybe I just- I don't know. I was kind of scared of that... that vulnerability. I didn't want that. And when you came along and just threw me right out of my game... I hated how I was acting, all distracted and girly and... like it was more than just... you know. And that scared the shit out of me." Suddenly all those words had just bubbled right out of his mouth, like an uncontrollable waterfall and for a moment Dean was taken aback at everything he'd just said.

"I realize this sounds really stupid. I don't know what's wrong with me- I know this is too late but I... I really do care about you, Cas. I'm just so messed up and I didn't know how to deal with feeling so much for someone and I ran and I did what I always do, I fucked it up. I just want you to know... I'm sorry, okay? I just- I really like you," (It took him everything to say those few words) "and I didn't mean to hurt you but that's what I do and-" In that moment the door opened and he almost fell over, as he had been leaning against it.

He took a step back, his heart beating at high speed again, and he didn't know what to say, when he saw Cas standing in front of him, looking worn out and as if he had cried a _lot._ Cas just looked at him, then opened the door a bit further and gestured for Dean to come in. He did. The door closing and Dean's footsteps were the only sound in the apartment and this new kind of silence that was hanging between them was freaking scary. Dean turned around to look at Cas. Cas had his arms crossed, then he put his right hand on his neck, as if he didn't know what to do with it. "I'm tired of feeling this way," Cas said. Dean swallowed hard and replied in a low voice, "Me too."

Dean sighed and ran his hands over his face, in the attempt to chase away this tiredness. He walked over to the small table in the kitchen and sat on one of the bar stools. "Maybe... Maybe we can figure this out... together?" he suggested, unable to look at Cas. "Maybe," Cas replied in a small voice. Again this silence. And again Dean felt like he needed to fill it. "I'm, I never meant for any of this to happen, Cas... I just-" Cas finished his sentence, "Have a really fragile idea of masculinity?" He meant it in a sarcastic way and it took Dean a moment to get it. For one he hated to admit it but then he had to smile at the fact that Cas had made a joke (or well, something in that direction) and that a tiny smile snuck onto his lips again. "Yeah... That."

Cas slowly walked over to Dean and sat on the stool next to him. "Can we start again?" Dean asked after a moment; he was scared of the answer but he had to ask. "Maybe... something like that," Cas said. He knew it could never take away those painful memories, and there was nothing they could do to un-do what had happened. But maybe they could create new, better, less hurtful memories. "But it'll take time," he added. And they both knew what he meant was that it would take time until he could trust Dean again. But slow was fine for Dean too, after all he needed to get used to that whole feelings thing.

"I missed you," Cas whispered and then he awkwardly hugged Dean, both still sitting on the stools. Dean got up (also very awkwardly) so he could get closer, but not too close, just so he could really hug Cas. He took him in his arms, and it felt like home. Warm, cas-scented home. "I missed you too. A lot," he replied, feeling himself tear up and clenching his jaw, trying to fight them back (it didn't really work. Cas didn't mind). And then they just stayed like that for what seemed like forever. At home.

 

 


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ARE YOU READY FOR THE FLUFF? HERE IT COMES.  
> (Told ya there'd be stitches.)

They had started again with dates. With lunches that filled Dean with anticipation all morning, with dinners that always ended in Dean driving Cas home in the impala, and eventually gentle little goodbye kisses. Dean tried his best not to get too close, to make sure Cas knew he had no intention of rushing anything. And it was good.

It had made Dean sad when he realized how distant they were at first. Cas had been so good to him, so open, so comfortable, loving and funny, and Dean had ruined everything. He had ruined him. But he had done what he could do to make it okay again, and slowly, slowly but surely, Cas trusted him again. And Dean was doing his best not to be stupid again. About his emotions, about anything really. He had Cas. And even if he sometimes had to get used to this dating-thing still, he knew, that's all he wanted. He wanted Cas.

At some point they started having dinners at home too, sometimes at Cas' place, sometimes at Dean's. Sometimes they cooked for each other, sometimes together, being all flirty and cute while cooking.

They listened to Elvis Presley quite a lot now, and the album that had been playing that one night at Cas' place always took them back to that evening. It filled Dean with warmth, remembering how intimate they were, how different it felt. But it also hurt him a little bit to think that after that he acted that way that to Cas. Cas was filled with sadness at the sound of the old music. He had opened himself up to Dean completely and that night had meant more to him than anything. And Dean had taken that from him and thrown it away. It still hurt after all this time, but he wanted to make new memories now. Associate something good with this music again. Eventually he did.

Sometimes they sat on the couch after dinner, and they ended up hugging, just sitting there and breathing each other in, planting little kisses on their cheeks, necks and shoulders. Eventually they also started making out again sometimes, Dean always careful not to cross a line.

They had their first time - that's how both of them actually thought about their first time after getting back together: their real first time, the first time it wasn't about Dean proving anything (other than that he really cared about Cas) - after one month. Or maybe one and a half. Dean had lost count.

They had spent the afternoon at Dean's place, being lazy and cuddly. Dean had cooked, Cas had helped a bit, later-on put on some music and started dancing with Dean. And then they had a simple dinner: pasta. With a glass of red wine (or two) each, they ended up on the couch, full and tired and content.

"Thank you for dinner," Cas said and kissed Dean. "Thank you for... you," Dean replied. They halted there for a moment and then kissed again, this time more passionately. Cas put his arms around Dean's neck and hugged him close, and Dean pulled him on top of his lap. It wasn't sexual though, just very intimate. They sat like that for a while, Dean feeling Cas' warm breath at his neck, Cas feeling Dean's gentle, warm hands massaging his back... and then a bit lower, half in his pants.

Cas straightened himself up to look at Dean. "Sorry, was that..." Dean said, pulling away his hand a bit. "No, no," Cas replied quickly. Dean touched him again. They just looked at each other, mesmerized by each other's beauty. Cas kissed Dean and then leaned in. "Dean, I want to," he whispered in his ear. Dean's massaging stopped, and he looked at him. "Are you sure?" he asked. Of course he wanted it, but he needed Cas to be sure. Cas nodded, a small smile setting on his lips. Dean smiled too, and then kissed Cas, pulling him closer to him.

They kissed and kissed and kissed and Dean was both gentle and a little bit rough with his lip-biting and tongue-teasing. His hands had eventually made their way under Cas shirt, sending shivers through his back. When Cas felt Dean's boner poking at his stomach, he grinned and got up, pulling Dean up with him. Like the last time, he took his hand and they went to the bedroom. Once arrived, they just kissed a bit more while standing, until they moved onto the bed, Cas again on top of Dean - maybe he needed to be in control, Dean thought. Fair enough. Clothes came off, slowly one after another. Cas ran his fingers across Dean's naked upper body and kissed and sucked on the tender skin of his neck, loving the little moans that Dean couldn't hold back.

Then Cas moved on to Dean's belt, opening it and finally relieving that uncomfortable tightness of his jeans. Why did he always wear jeans? He melted away when Cas' tongue made its way up and down his shaft; then licking around the head of his dick and soon taking in much more, his hands complementing where he couldn't get to with his mouth, Cas got Dean already way too close. "Cas, stop, I- I'm gonna..," he breathed. Cas stopped (after one more lick), and looked up. "Why, did you have something else in mind?" he asked teasingly, and yet with an air of innocence -  _how did he look so innocent and so ridiculously cute during_ sex _?_ Dean wondered.

"Well, if- If you want to..." Cas smiled and kissed Dean on the lips again. Dean rolled over, so he was now on top of Cas, and then reached for the lube and a condom. His fingers found their way to Cas' ass, slowly and carefully pushing inside, lightly massaging. Cas closed his eyes and hardly breathed, so Dean bent over and kissed him gently. "Relax," he whispered. Cas nodded and breathed deeper again. Dean pushed another finger inside, slowly opening Cas up. He took his time and eventually Cas was the one who wanted to go faster. "Dean,  _please-"_ he whimpered, and Dean liked the look of that. He quickly rolled on the condom and had to admire the view in front of him for another second; Cas all flushed and ready, begging for his cock, lying in front of him like a present. He smiled, carressed his thighs and then bent his knees a bit, so he could enter better. 

Another plea of Cas reached his ears. "I need..." he begged, then resolving into a moan when Dean finally pushed into him. He went slowly at first. His head was above Cas' chest, and he was breathing onto his skin. He soon lifted his head to look at Cas and ask, "Are you okay?" Cas tried to formulate an answer, but it was hard with Dean inside of him, even only brushing his prostate. "Ye- Yeah," he breathed. Dean smiled, and then started thrusting into him harder, hitting that sweet spot everytime (and knowing it). Cas' hands were in Dean's hair, holding on to it and it was so damn intimate, and they were so damn close, it took Dean's breath away. They both made such divine sounds, always pushing the other a bit closer to the edge, until Dean came first with a loud moan; then slowly moving again, and with a few strokes, he got Cas there too. Cas came on both of their torsos, his body tensing up under Dean and then relaxing completely. Dean pulled out carefully, rolled off the condom and then sank onto the bed next to Cas. They were not as close as in the past, when Cas had self-evidently nezzled up against Dean's side, and Dean missed it.

He moved away, to get his shirt and he cleaned them both up, then kissed Cas gently. After throwing the shirt aside, he inched a bit closer and resting his head against Cas' head, he turned to his side, to face Cas. Cas turned to his side after a moment too and at first he just looked down at their bodies. Dean lifted Cas' chin, to look at him and then he kissed him. They moved closer together, put their arms around each other and lay there for a while, intertwined. Dean tried to wiggle out of the embrace and Cas reached for him, as if he was scared he might leave. "No, I just..." Dean murmured, and pulled up the blanket around them. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere," he said, but maybe he said it more to himself than to Cas. They cuddled up close again, and Dean was glad that Cas fell asleep quite quickly, because he might have cried just a little bit. His tears soon rocked him off to sleep too, and knowing he would wake up with Cas in his arms is all he needed to be completely happy.

***

Dean still hadn't finished those contracts, and his schedule was getting tight. Charlie looked up, but Dean wasn't at his desk. She sighed and got up. She found him in the printer room. He was standing there and at least he was actually printing something (maybe those contracts would even be handed in punctually, even with Dean's immense distraction all day). He was just standing there, kind of zoned out - he hadn't even noticed Charlie walking up to him -, of course looking into the direction of Cas. She laughed a bit, and Dean suddenly noticed her. One quick glance at her, and his eyes were fixated on the man across the room again. "I'm not eye-fucking, Charlie," he said in an annoyed voice. "Oh, I know," she replied with a grin. She got the printed contracts and went back to her desk, still grinning and thinking,  _No,_ this  _is love._

  
  


_The End_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it then, huh? Well. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> I'm really glad to be back to writing, and believe me, I've got about 5 other ideas going on right now, so there will be something else very soon. ;)  
> I am happy for feedback and corrections and Kudos and anything you want to tell me, really.  
> Thank you for reading.  
> Have a lovely day.


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